It’s the Combination of Trust and Tension that Creates Value in Coaching.

The process of coaching is a delicate balance between trust and tension. It is not the same as other conversations and it is not meant to be. Coaching relies on a trusting relationship so the Coachee can get to the core of the issue, get under the waterline.

And the Coach has been given permission by the Coachee to challenge their thinking.

The skilled Coach understands that the Coachee’s own discoveries about their behaviour, assumptions, habits and emotions are much more meaningful than being explicitly analysed or taught something by the Coach. The skill of the Coach is in knowing when and how to hold the mirror up, raising tension, without losing trust.

It is not the Coach’s role to be liked necessarily. Sometimes holding the mirror up is confronting, things can get tense for both counterparts. Coachee facing a new insight or reality, seeing the previously unseen. Coach seeking not to judge or assume, wondering if they have moved at the right pace, wondering if the Coachee feels safe enough in the relationship to trust the process.

This is in part why your Coach will regularly recontract during your coaching process. The coaching process is alive, regularly being negotiated and renegotiated. The Coach has a responsibility to regularly pause the conversation, to ask you as the Coachee questions like: is this what you want to be focusing on, is this meaningful and the like. Where there is enough trust the Coachee in these tense moments can speak plainly and honestly about what they need, what is working and not working for them.

Depending on the level of trust in the relationship, the Coach can help the Coachee tolerate the tension in the service of learning and growth.

Tension does not mean the counterparts are on the wrong track. A high trust coaching relationship is designed to get under the waterline, to discover what is really driving behaviour. The best coaching relationships and coaching processes find the sweet spot of high trust and high tension, creating the opportunity for transformation in the Coachee’s life.

During the process of coaching, it’s sometimes hard for either party to gauge what exactly is working, goals and clarity can emerge suddenly or progressively. Work that provokes new thinking, opens up a new field of vision that exists on a continuum from obvious ease to extremely uncomfortable. The Coachee’s specific path is unknown and unfamiliar, they are in a process of letting go, validation, creating and generating, and of gaining insight.

Trust and tension go hand in hand in coaching. In the right combination coaching becomes a powerful process that is transformative.

If you are looking for a transactional problem solving endorsement of what you already know, coaching might not be the right process for you.